Loss.

4 letters, one syllable, and an endless amount of heartbreak. One little word has brought me more pain than I ever truly knew was possible. I have lost many of my loved ones, and have grieved harder and harder each time.

It’s been 5 years since my whole world turned upside down. Everyone told me “ It gets easier.”

So, why has it just become harder for me. I can’t call my loved ones to hear their voice. I can’t go visit them at their house, or go to lunch with them, or simply just know they would be there if I needed them. These thoughts run around my mind every single day since the day I lost them. I put myself into a hole in the ground, burying myself in my own regret, of not being there for them enough. I constantly wonder, were they upset I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to them? Then I also think, were they happy I didn’t see them at their worst ?

I will never know the answers and it kills me.

Some days are better than others. Some days are harder than others. My life has been a rollercoaster of emotions.

Holidays are undoubtedly one of the hardest times to not have my loved ones around. As well as the anniversary of the day they died, and birthdays. These days  trigger many emotions, to an extreme. A certain memory will surface my mind, and will go from a great laugh, to a rough cry. There are also some days where I am fine. I can talk about my loved ones with family and friends and be fine. Laugh about memories, smile that they happened, but mourning will always sneak up on me and break me down. Always.

I have definitely been able to come to my senses with my emotions, and I have become a lot stronger than I was the first year of losing them. I have recently started my journey with spiritual healing. I have been reading books on how to connect with your guardian angels. I have started a collection of crystal angels, just like my Grandma did. I pray to my loved ones all the time. Ever since I started these new hobbies, I have felt my loved one’s presence more than ever. They visit me in my dreams more often, and they give me clear signs that they are still here with me.

Loss is hard. Healing from a loss is very difficult. I wish it got easier, but truthfully it does not. I love my guardian angels so much, and I know they are watching over me every day.

They are always on my mind, and forever in my heart.